First of all, Domestic violence is not just a term that refers to the physical mistreatment of women and/or children, as is often thought, but is also the psychological abuse that takes place and can affect anyone, irrespective of gender or age. That being said, the reality is that most of the violence that occurs in the domestic environment is perpetrated by men against women and children, so the initial assumption is not far off the reality in this case. In Australia, a number of national surveys conducted, found that more than 37% women had experienced physical or sexual abuse at the hands of a current or ex-partner and 34% at the hands of a male family member. What is worse, 64% of women who had experienced physical assaults and 81% who experienced sexual assault under these circumstances had not reported the assaults to police.
This means that these cowardly acts often go unpunished and remain an influencing factor in the lives of children who are often witnesses of these assaults.
These are perhaps the most obvious examples of what domestic violence is, but its definition is broader still, and the many forms that it takes and how it affects the abused, often goes some way to explaining why victims often struggle to remove themselves from the abusive environment.
So lets take a look:
Emotional abuse, where the victim is blamed for all the ills in a relationship, the victim’s self-esteem is systematically undermined, and emotional isolation is used to detach the victim from their extended support networks.
Verbal abuse, where the victim is humiliated both publicly and privately by undermining that person’s ideas of healthy self-image with a derogatory focus on intellectual faculties and physical appearance.
Social abuse, is a deliberate and systematic removal of the victim from family and friends.
Economic abuse, where the victim is prevented from having any form of financial recourse and independence, once again with a deliberate focus on maintaining a maladaptive dependancy of the victim on the abuser.
Psychological abuse, where the perpetrator exposes the victim to risk taking behaviour, threats of loss of family and children, threats of self harm and many other forms of emotional manipulation.
Religious abuse, where the victim is lead to believe that they hold a subjugated position within the domestic environment in order to have access to spiritual traditions, often enforced with punitive behaviours.
And of course, physical abuse and sexual abuse.
Given the broad nature of the definition of domestic violence and the fact that many of these behaviours can take on maladaptive characteristics of private adult relationships, the statistics are thought to be highly inaccurate as to the real prevalence of the problem. This is an obvious conclusion, given the nature of the violence and the deliberate focus towards developing a sense of helplessness in the victim.
One of the most disturbing and disgusting facts about domestic violence is that women are most likely to be murdered by their male partner in the home than by anyone else in any other setting.
So what do we look out for? The biggest risk factors that are known are a history of child abuse in the victim’s past, and alcohol and certain drug use on behalf of the perpetrator, coupled with a history of violent behaviour. In addition to this, social -economic status and education are thought to be major contributors, but not as stand alone factors. This means that in reality that, in actual fact, domestic violence permiates every strata of society. Further, where a victim is already particularly isolated from family and friends to begin with, the likelihood of abuse increases significantly.
For those going into relationships, it is important to look out for warning signs before they get too attached to a potentialy violent individual. Some of the warning signs are excessive blaming-behaviours on others without recognising their own part in a situation. People who blame others consistently, will typically have a “victim mentality” which in their mind will justify some form of retaliation against those who “wrong” them.
An aggrandised sense of entitlement can also be a warning sign. These people tend to feel that they are entitled to a standard of treatment above that of others purely because they are them.Often, this trait goes hand-in-hand with another warning sign, which is a sense of superiority and moral self-righteousness. People with these traits often demonstrate behaviours that are known as predatory self-esteem, that is, they seek to make themselves feel good about themselves by making others feel badly. Potential abusers may also be jealous and possessive, which can become obsession in time, and they tend not respect your personal boundaries in relation to what stages of a relationship make a partner comfortable or uncomfortable. Finally, there is a tendency in potentially abusive individuals to be resentful in general. They dwell on the unfairness of life and seem to perceive that they have to deal with more than their fair share of it, this again coincides with a victim mentality.
It is essential for people to ask themselves if their prospective (or current) partner is someone that recognises that they are different individuals, respects that fact and accepts them without an expectation of change (within reason).
Keep in mind these traits do not guarantee that the person will or will not be an abuser, but they are signs that advise you to proceed with caution.
So, we all know what the effects of these types of behaviours are on the direct victim. They create volatile and confusing home environments, where the victim learns to avoid unpleasant situations by subjugating themselves further to the abuser, which only empowers the abuser more. This is usually a source of extreme humiliation for the victim, because they can see their personhood being eroded constantly by someone that they love, and who supposedly loves them. In addition, where the victim experiences feelings of fear of the person that loves them, they tend to feel guilty and are therefore more likely to fall into the idea that they are to blame for the situations that lead to physical and emotional abuse. At this point, the victim is firmly caught in the trap.
But this is not only a trap for the person who is the direct subject of the abuse, it is also a trap for children. A trap that will often span generations.
Children learn that what they see at home is normal, even if what they witness is frightening and unpleasant. This means that unless they are lucky enough to have a safe haven to go to or a nurturing environment that demonstrates alternative behaviours to model, they are likely to repeat the cycle in their adult relationships. In fact, 90% of abusers, have experienced abuse in their past. In addition, it has been found that children who are exposed to these types of trauma, are also likely to suffer in brain and skills development, such as communication, cognition, problem solving and interpersonal skills. But these are reversible as long as the child is removed from this negative environment as soon as possible (ideally before the age of 5).
Ok, so what should be done? The following are a few courses of action that you should consider. If you are a concerned third party, you should let the person know that you are concerned about their well being. You should not be surprised if the person becomes defensive about your concern. Just ensure that you do not take offence, and just stand by your concern and desire to help if the person requests it. Your concern will not hurt, it will make the person realise that they are not as isolated as they may initially think.
Ensure that you are there to listen to them without judging. Do not offer advise, only support. You should only provide advice if the person asks for it. You must give that person time to trust you and allow you into their private life. Do not get pushy or you will become no different to the abuser in the sense that you are not respecting their boundaries.
Offer your thoughts in terms of the seriousness of the abuse and the effect that you perceive it is having on them and/or their children. This is not the same as giving advise, this is providing an alternative point of view that the victim may not see otherwise.
Make sure that you do not enter into criticising the victim or the perpetrator, remain as neutral as possible, while increasing the safety that you can provide to the victim should they require it.
Do not place yourself in any danger and do not attempt to confront the perpetrator in an aggressive manner. This will only make things worse. If you witness the abuse, you should contact 000 immediately and ensure that the situation is made safe for everyone, including yourself.
Domestic violence is a complex area of psychology that requires specific expertise and experience. This post is not intended to be a comprehensive repository of all the relevant information related to domestic violence. You may have noticed that I have written almost exclusively from the perspective of the victims and I have not gone into discussing the psychological origins of the problem or describing the ‘whys’ of its proliferation. Rather, my intent is to contribute to the generation of awareness about a very serious concern in our society and in a small way describe some simple ways that you can help to break the cycle in situations that you may be close to. This is a call to action, that implores you support a sufferer in any way you can.
For more information, compressive action plans and professional advise, please refer to the links that I have included at the end of this post below. In addition, I have included links to charities that help the victims get out of bad situations and into a better life for themselves and their children.
Nobody deserves to live in fear and misery, especially at the hands of their loved ones. Domestic violence is a trap that all parties involved find themselves in, and more often than not, the victims can only be set free through the intervention of people who care. If you are in a position to help, please do so.
Thank you very much for reading, I will catch you again soon.
-Rod Peredo - SOCM Services
Watch the video to this post at: http://youtu.be/un6eD3XejgU
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Links to information on domestic violence
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https://www.wa.gov.au/information-about/community-safety/domestic-violence
http://www.dcp.wa.gov.au/CrisisAndEmergency/Pages/Women%27s-Domestic-Violence-Helpline.aspx
http://www.dcp.wa.gov.au/CrisisAndEmergency/Pages/Men%27s-Domestic-Violence-Helpline.aspx
http://www.dvrcv.org.au/support-services/national-services
http://www.whiteribbon.org.au
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Link to White Ribbon Charity
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https://donateplanet.com/charities/read/white-ribbon-australia/
*Please note that I am in no way affiliated with any charity and further I do not stand to gain any benefits from your donation and/or support for these organisations
